I have been trying to make sense of this whole situation since the moment I found out about it. With everything I have going on in my own life, my own head, my own heart, I still try to put everyone’s own needs ahead of mine. I have always been like that inside addiction and out. But this time, I am stuck, I am lost, and I have no idea how to get myself back on track. I do not know how to. I used my tools. I reached out, asked for help, did extra meetings, extra groups, and treatment sessions, I did the one on one. I was the good friend who held her hand at the funeral, who stroked an 8-year-old boy’s hair as he realized his daddy is gone and never coming back. The realization in this child’s eyes broke my soul.
How can I let myself feel anything when this little boy no longer has a father? What did I lose compared to him? This is where I caught myself. I lost a friend of over a decade. I deserve to grieve too. But not only do I grieve for my loss but for that little boy’s loss too. I lost a friend and he lost his dad. I have children and if it where them my heart would be in pieces.
I despise the person I am sometimes. I feel everything. Even what I do not want to feel. Usually, I can block it out. This time I could not. I felt it all. A room with 35 people in it and every emotion in that room, while the video of this man’s life played twice with the music chosen about angels and such. My chest felt like it was on fire. I wanted to walk out of the building and run. I could not. I was the support for my best friend and her child, so I told myself to suck it up and handle it. So, I sat there feeling all the emotion in the room all the pain and devastation, blocking mine was easy, but being an empath, you cannot block that pain of so many, you cannot block the pain you feel watching a child hurt so deeply.
Taken too soon, by an addiction we all fight. Of course, a child does not understand daddy fought a battle that he was not strong enough for, the demons won. And we cannot explain that to someone so fragile at this time because then we must be faced with questions that we do not have the answers to. The biggest one is why? Because I am grown and I do not understand why. And maybe I never will, because I am in active recovery, I live it every day, I use my tools even when I want to hide myself in the closet with a bottle of vodka and not come out. So why? Why were his demons so much worse than ours? Why did he not utilize the tools? Why was the drug so much more powerful than him? Why did he take a drug he knew was laced? Why did he close the bathroom door in an empty house? Why did he leave his wallet contents on the table? Why does it look like he took his life? Why? There are no answers. Only he knows why. All those answers we will never have are trapped in his mind. Now we are in a world trapped with the pain of losing someone we love.
Christina P.
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