My Hand
Reaching out is not always an easy thing to do. Not with your family or friends. Not in love or life, and especially not in recovery.
This road we are walking, the road of recovery, is a wonderful road to walk. It is also demanding, confusing, stressful, and downright terrifying at times. It is worth it for me though.
They say in order to start you need to get honest with yourself. Okay, I have always been an honest person for the most part, so that was easy, until it I started to get messy feelings out there that I had repressed and did not want to deal with. Nobody wants to relive, rehash, feel, and face some of these things. That is how we heal though. It can be a beautiful thing. Healing that is, not the mess, and letting go.
It is a weight off your entire being, to be able to let go. We are at a place, a safe place to work through our issues and our addiction with our groups and our sponsor or mentor. We feel accomplished, we are taking steps, and we are doing it!!!! Progress, Pleasure, Pride!!! Yes, recovery road, what a sight to see.
But wait, a rough patch, one of the hardest ones for me. Honesty!
It is the end of a busy day and I am home alone. I am doing the nightly routine and the kids are tucked into bed and asleep. But now it is just me and my thoughts, my feelings. Great. Nothing is wrong, I have not forgotten anything, so why do I not feel right? I grab my cell and call my best friend, but she does not answer. So, I try another friend, and still no answer. At this point I stand up and pace the room trying to figure out why I am feeling the way I am. I cannot shake it. I do not like being alone when I feel like this, so I try another number, still nothing. So, I sit and ask myself, what is wrong? What has me feeling like this? What could be causing me the anxiety I am feeling? So, I call my mentor. Finally, someone answers, the relief all through my body is amazing. The feeling is normal they say, no matter how far in recovery you are. This feeling will come and go. Ok! Relieved I hang the phone up. I get back to my calm down routine before bed, but the feeling is still there. I cannot fight it, I feel it. Its normal.
Now this feeling has hindered me so much in my recovery. The explanation is easy and difficult. To be alone is one thing, but to be lonely is a nightmare. My worst.
When I am alone, I can easily distract myself and get things accomplished. When I am alone and lonely at the same time, I can never really find that space, you know the safe space in your head, the one that tells you it’s okay, not to worry.
That moment, when I hit that amount of loneliness, I have hit the hardest point in my recovery to reach out. On top of the feelings I have, the questions come into play now. Are they busy? Will I interrupt something important? Will it be an inconvenience? So, I stop and wonder if I am worth the feeling of maybe interfering on someone’s time, after all time is something you can never get back. I mean nothing is wrong, so why bother someone with my nonsense?
It is the biggest fight I have with myself sometimes in my recovery. More honesty, do I really want to bother someone because I am lonely? A while back I would have said no way!!! I have lost my mind even thinking it. Why am I being so silly?
Right now, in this moment I have learned, yes, it is worth it. Loneliness can be one of the biggest triggers for almost every one of us, no matter where we are in recovery. When you hit a certain point of loneliness in your head, and then getting “stuck” there can be extremely dangerous for anyone, especially us in our recovery. So just needing someone to talk to is okay.
It has taken me a long time to learn, that it is okay to reach out when I need to, even when I think it is small or silly. It’s not either of those things. It’s significant, there is a foundation under the loneliness. When we are honest with ourselves, we know when we need to reach. On this wonderful road to recovery if you need to, and you reach for me, no matter where you are or when it is, you will find my hand.
Christina P.
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