Backwards
Understanding your own relapse process is harder than what is written. They say you relapse up to two weeks before you use, or drink. I am wondering if this stands true for all addicts, or most anyways. Well, this theory makes me feel weak and confused. I do not actually have a process. When my triggers hit me, I consciously make the choice to drink in that moment, and when I chose something, I do it.
In fairness to myself, in sobriety and addiction, I have always been very set in my ways, mentally and physically. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. If I do not want to do something, then I downright will not do it. It is just who I am and always have been.
Does that make me sicker than other addicts? Not being able to identify a relapse process in myself. I do not know if other people can see it in me or not.
I do not typically reach a stuck point, there is no denial in me. I know when I need help. I just make my choice one way or another. When I decide to drink, I do it. Then one of two things happen, either I get back to my recovery plan or I continue to drink. I am lucky that my determination and stubborn nature has kept me in my recovery.
Please believe I have drank knowing I should not be, I have stopped myself in the middle of a drink and stopped, because I am strong enough to know this is not the road I want. The drink gets dumped, and I go on my way. Now there has also been times when I have continued to drink, knowing it is not what I want, and its not going to help, but “screw it” they are my choices and my consequences.
Then the toxic little devil in my head says “you are not doing anything wrong; you are not hurting anyone. Here you are alone drinking, you are fine.” Am I?
Here we go. I relapse backwards, to what we are taught. I drink first and get myself stuck. Well now I drank, and I do not want anyone to know so I lie to them, and myself. Now I am telling myself I will stop tomorrow, no problem. But I have passed the relapse part because now I am already stuck lying denying and isolated. Here I am not hurting anyone, but I am alone, drinking.
Hiding!
Now I have caught myself in my own cycle. Here comes the guilt and the shame from going through with the choice. Now I want to drink more cause why not I already did it.
Does this happen to anyone else? Or do you relapse the two weeks before like they say? I feel like I relapse in an extremely dangerous way because I know I am doing it, I just do not care when it happens.
Luckily, in my recovery I have found a wonderful support family. I know that when my mind makes that choice, I need to call someone NOW. So far, every time I have, I have allowed myself to be talked out of the not so good choices. This is something I am struggling with daily to try and find, am I relapsing two weeks before I realize it? Or do I relapse backwards like I think I do?
Christina P.
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