That's the guy who can't "think it through". That's the one who gets drunk even when he doesn't want to. He's the guy that goes head over heels into the fellowship and service but gets messed up anyway. He's the guy that just can't seem to get sober, no matter what he does.
He's the chronic relapser, who probably doesn't make time to read posts like this because he's too busy thinking about himself and what he wants. He's always looking for a quick and easy fix for his shit! He's never willing to look at his own shit and find out what is blocking him from sobriety.
That guy will continue to get fucked up, over and over until something major happens. Something BIG has to happen. It might be jail or divorce. It might be prison or bankruptcy. It might be suicide. Sadly it might be death.
But it COULD be something better. It could be CHANGE. It could be awakening spiritually and finding sobriety!
In order for that to happen his inner drive, the guiding force in his nature has to change. He has to wake up to the idea that he CAN'T stay sober unless he changes from the inside out. He's the guy that has tried and tried to CHANGE on his own but has always gotten drunk anyway... AND he is the guy that can't change all of that WITHOUT GOD!
The real alcoholic is Me. I could not get sober, no matter how hard I tried, or how many slogans I memorized or pages I could quote out of the Big Book. I could not stay stopped even when I desperately wanted to without a Power greater than me.
The hurdle for me was huge. That hurdle was faith. I did not have it. I could not "just" believe in something. I didn't know how. I felt blocked off, discarded, left out, forgotten, and unworthy.
Everybody said that "God is love" and that He forgives and saves, but there I was feeling abandoned and rejected by God because I was drunk again even when I desperately didn't want to be!
What a freaking pickle!!!!
I had tried to fake my faith before. I tried to force myself or pretend to believe. I tried to pray to something I didn't believe in. And for me, "fake it till you make it" didn't work.
Here's what I finally figured out...
I had been trying to use the program to "stay sober." After all, that's what this whole thing is about, right??? But I couldn't stay stopped! Did I have it backward?
What I found out was that the program was NOT really about a single day of sobriety, followed by another and another. That's not sobriety... it's abstinence! And there is a BIG DIFFERENCE!
I found out that the Program of recovery is REALLY ABOUT FINDING A POWER GREATER THAN ME AND GIVING IT PERMISSION TO CHANGE ME AND GUIDE ME TOWARD WHEREVER IT WANTS ME TO GO!
I found out that the reason I could not connect with God was I was too full of ME! I was so full of selfishness that there was NO ROOM FOR GOD. I was full of opinions, beliefs, and ideas that left no room inside of me for anything but ME.
It wasn't my parent's fault. It wasn't society's fault. It wasn't my church's fault. It wasn't my job, or my bank account, or my friends or neighbors... it was me and my own fault! I was too full of opinions and attitudes of selfishness to allow for even the tiniest bit of faith to enter my heart.
It wasn't until I became willing to complete an honest and thorough inventory, where I actually looked at all my shit, instead of everybody else's, that I began to see why I was blind and alone.
Like an overflowing garbage can, there was no room for anything else. No matter how hard I tried to "Find God", there was no room left inside of me for Him.
That is why Bill W said "Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles"
Living a selfish life not only blocks me off from God, but it also makes it impossible to stay away from drinking and getting high!
When I finally did an inventory and accepted that I was stubborn, selfish, defiant, opinionated, hypocritical, controlling, spiteful, and greedy (and many more) that I could finally see why there was no room inside of me for a guiding Power.
We Agnostics says on Page 45 "Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."
When I finally began to use the 12 steps to guide me into cleaning up the garbage can of my spirit, that I finally began to make room for God.
I haven't had to fight for a day of sobriety since! Sobriety has been the welcomed side effect of seeking God and living the way He asks me to!
I know there are some chronic relapsers on this page. Most of them won't read long posts like this. But if perhaps you are one of them, I hope you can see that sobriety is the side effect of finding God. Once I switched from seeking sobriety, over to seeking God and making room inside of me for Him, I haven't had to suffer from another relapse. Clean house. Trust God. Help others!
The 12 steps are all about finding out what is BLOCKING you from God. And if you've gotten to the point where you can't go on any longer living without that Power, the steps will show you how to make room for it and invite it into your life.
Can't find God? Can't stay sober? Maybe you are just a selfish alcoholic like me... Is it time to get busy cleaning out your inner self so God can find a place to sit?
Enjoy the journey
By Jeff W.
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